Monday’s Meditation: On My Blog Meltdown & Dealing With The Downsides

February 22, 2016

 

Consider this a pep talk for the week. Get ready to squash challenges.Last week, a few of you were kind enough to email me (thank you, sweet things!) about issues accessing the blog—virus alerts and whatnot.

Slightly alarmed, I hopped on the site to double check that everything was fine on my end, which it was—tra la la.

Six hours later, when I went to upload a post and discovered the entire backend of the site had disappeared, well, then things weren’t so fine. Luckily, I was in the middle of the Pacific Ocean at the time with torturously limited internet, making each manic refreshing of the page feel like incurring a wound in slow motion must.

I was hoping for it all to be some fluke, some silly and fleeting result of the dodgy mid-ocean internets, which must surely, CAN’T BE, like the other, real life internets.

But suspended refresh after refresh revealed only the same error message, which notably contained the phrases FATAL and NO SUCH FILE EXISTS.

Even the coolest, most calmly collected people (swear it, I am) have their Moments. Being away from one’s home environment, cut off from civilization and a working phone line, and picturing the entity into which one has poured the last many years of one’s life disappearing into the abyss can contort a person’s center with a real zealousness. So I did what any blogger staying on a remote islet at midnight would do: I starting positively freaking out.

Mainly it was frustration; the not being able to get through to the people with the answers—plus the time pressure to get a post up—that caused me to start raking my fingers through my hair like I was trying to leave marks, start breathing more rapidly and loudly, teetering on the verge of hyperventilation and then backing off it to make lots of pointed, declarative statements all punctuated by the word FUCK.

“Okay, Annie” I thought to myself as I dodged crabs crossing the sidewalk, flip flopping with a furious speed to the business center where I might hope to reach Land, “So what. Maybe it’s all gone. You know what? That’ll just be what it is if that’s the case. Sometimes in life you loose things.”

And then:

“Nope, nope; that’s going to be completely devastating and I will most likely spend several days with eyes alarmingly puffy from repeated bouts of hysterical crying.”

I was alternating between sheer panic and rolling my eyes at myself.

(It’s terribly annoying to have the awareness of how ridiculous one is being while one is being ridiculous. At least you should be able to make yourself believe it, you know?)

In the end, I finally got connected with Juan in Tempe, Arizona, whose voice, over a google call made at the upstairs empty, dark bar of the resort restaurant sounded like the most reassuring, capable lullaby I’d ever heard.

It took Juan about three minutes to diagnose the problem: an automated update had made a file incompatible. “I’ll just go ahead and update that file and you should be good to go, Annie.” He said. “Yup, go ahead and give that page a refresh.”

There it was. Presto. Restored. Universe righted. Breath re-taken.

Everything was totally okay.

“Juan,” I said into my laptop, “I want to know how genuinely I mean what I’m about to say: Juan, I love you. I mean, I really and truly love you.”

He laughed and I thanked him and promised to name my first child after him. Or maybe I just gave him my word that I’d fill out the online survey about his performance. It’s hard to recall the details now.

And then I closed my computer, flip flopped my way back to my over-water bungalow and life carried on.

I didn’t write my next two posts after that; sometimes when you have such a tense, heated interaction, it’s best to take time apart, have a little space between you and the thing which just threatened to be your mental undoing.

And anyhow, the problem came back about a day and half later (far less drama involved the second time around) and was only righted late Sunday evening by a man who predicted it’d happen again.

I recently heard an interview of Madame Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert, in which she spoke about the concept of “eating the shit sandwich.” Even in a purpose-filled life, she posited, one must be prepared to eat the shit sandwich (i.e. deal with unpleasant side effects) particular to that chosen life.

“Well, that’s a pretty unpleasant, un-motivating metaphor,” I thought to myself (no offense, Elizabeth). Actually, she went on and on so about the shit sandwich that I began to find the whole thing rawther negative and turned the interview off.

But of course she’s right, in that no kind of life is without its chores, its challenges and occasional tribulations.

There is so much clarity that comes through joy, connectedness, and success. When we give of our gifts and those efforts are appreciated, we feel reassured that we’re on the right track in life. When we have a wonderful date with someone, during which we laugh and share our stupidest wonderings and are understood, we feel clarity about being well-matched with that person. Good scores on a test reaffirm our strengths, and acknowledgment we’re seeking validates our choices.

But challenges can be equally clarifying.

What you’re willing to be challenged by—the difficult side effects you’re willing to deal with, the riddle you’re committed to keep trying to solve, the concept you’re invested in continuing to grapple with—clarifies what you’re committed to.

No life is perfect or perfectly painless. There isn’t a person out there who doesn’t have a couple of good, sizable flaws. There isn’t a job around that doesn’t come with some unpleasant tasks. There isn’t a family that exists that doesn’t have some notable and twisted dynamics.

I don’t enjoy getting hit in the face by a rogue shelf-lurking spider, or sneezing through clouds of dusts in tiny closets, or nearly climbing inside of greasy kitchen cabinets to adjust shelves, or hauling boxes bigger than me down many flights of stairs, but I’m willing to do those things because they’re tasks that are byproducts of work I love.

I really don’t enjoy dealing with technical difficulties and disconnected international customer service phone calls, but I love writing this blog enough to eat that one.

The point is: do you love it enough to push past the challenges, and keep pushing past them as they keep cropping up, as they’re sure to do? Does it (job, role, person) make you feel fulfilled, happy, understood, and utilized enough that you can willingly accept the challenges that come like a package deal with the good stuff?

If the answer is yes, be glad; yours is a love and purpose and role chosen with such intentionality and honored with such commitment that nothing has the power to deter your pursuing it.

If the answer is no or maybe, my response would be: keep looking inside yourself for the career or relationship or practice that brings you such boundless joy and prosperity and wellbeing that no related obstacle could possibly threaten to trample your progress. Work to find a better, smarter solution? Yes. But throw in the towel? Never.

Come what may, and all–

Blog on.

Work on.

Parent on.

Love on.

 

 

6 Comments

  1. Elaine on February 22, 2016 at 7:46 am

    For some reason….your blog is the only one I ever feel compelled to actually come out of hiding and comment on! Your words always hold such wisdom for me and seem to be just what I need to hear. I thank YOU for sharing so openly and honestly – it touches me (someone you’ve never met from somewhere so far away) more than you could know. Thanks Annie – for being you and for sharing your gifts!

    • Annie on March 13, 2016 at 11:34 am

      Thank YOU for coming out of hiding and commenting, Elaine!! I adore you (someone I’ve never met from somewhere so far away) more than you know!!!

  2. Daisy on February 25, 2016 at 8:53 am

    I started reading your blog years ago but now that I have my own blog, I can feel a bit of what you felt in that moment even if you were in such a beautiful place. Thanks for sharing your wisdom on Mondays & giving us something meaningful to think about.

    • Annie on March 13, 2016 at 11:35 am

      Thank you, Daisy!!

  3. Favorite This: 2016! | Live Simply by Annie on December 15, 2016 at 4:00 am

    […] first serious website hack went down in February, and a whole slew of both major and slight security and general site hiccups […]

  4. […] 5. Monday’s Meditation: On My Blog Meltdown & Dealing With The Downsides […]

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6 Comments

  1. Elaine on February 22, 2016 at 7:46 am

    For some reason….your blog is the only one I ever feel compelled to actually come out of hiding and comment on! Your words always hold such wisdom for me and seem to be just what I need to hear. I thank YOU for sharing so openly and honestly – it touches me (someone you’ve never met from somewhere so far away) more than you could know. Thanks Annie – for being you and for sharing your gifts!

    • Annie on March 13, 2016 at 11:34 am

      Thank YOU for coming out of hiding and commenting, Elaine!! I adore you (someone I’ve never met from somewhere so far away) more than you know!!!

  2. Daisy on February 25, 2016 at 8:53 am

    I started reading your blog years ago but now that I have my own blog, I can feel a bit of what you felt in that moment even if you were in such a beautiful place. Thanks for sharing your wisdom on Mondays & giving us something meaningful to think about.

    • Annie on March 13, 2016 at 11:35 am

      Thank you, Daisy!!

  3. Favorite This: 2016! | Live Simply by Annie on December 15, 2016 at 4:00 am

    […] first serious website hack went down in February, and a whole slew of both major and slight security and general site hiccups […]

  4. […] 5. Monday’s Meditation: On My Blog Meltdown & Dealing With The Downsides […]

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