The story goes:

Somehow, despite my ridiculously devoted cleaning tendencies, I ended up with fruit flies. Chalk it up to freshly purchased produce from Pike Place placed atop the counter– the fruit flies were summoned.

Naturally I went into full blown manic/panic mode–commenced Mission Obliteration of the Fruit Fly Nation. I scoured (SCOURED) the kitchen, wiped down walls, vacuumed crevices, outlawed the wooden cutting board from its previous place on the counter to a bottom-dwelling drawer. I was a woman obsessed and most likely scary as hell to watch.

Except the wretched creatures still appeared unperturbed, still insisted there was some invisible substance interesting them. “Damn them!” I ran about shouting, flailing my hands back and forth in attempts to break up the swarms. Of course everyone thought I was crazy and what else is new really.

Code really-serious: I stumble upon a website listing a natural remedy for thwarting the flies, throw on my shoes without bothering to tie the laces and speed walk to the grocery store. I purchase one bottle of distilled apple cider vinegar, one bottle of dish detergent, and hurry the hell back home. Then follow the suggested recipe (site I consulted here):

1. Pour one cupful distilled apple cider vinegar into a small bowl/ jar with a lid.

2. Pour a few drops of dish detergent in. 

3. Cover the dish with some plastic wrap and poke holes in it once secured/ poke/drill some holes in your jar lid and screw on.

4. Wait. 

Evidently, the fruit flies are massively attracted to the scent of the cider vinegar– honestly it was crazy/sickening how quickly they came in for a landing on my creation. The dish detergent does something science-y, like disrupts the pressure blah blah basically it makes them drown. Hooray!

So. I put the bowl out on the counter with the vinegar and the detergent and the saran wrap and the holes. And I let it chill there for about a week or two. And everyone starts being all, “what’s with that weird bowl sitting out, Annie?” And, “that weird bowl isn’t doing anything, can we throw it away now?” And I was all, “TRUST THE PROCESS PEOPLE GEEZ!”

At about the three-week mark, the flies are noticeably absent. So someone that wasn’t me decided that the bowl should finally be removed, having held all along that it wasn’t doing anything. Except guess what? Said person goes to dispose of my trap, and in so doing, actually peers into the holes close enough to exclaim, “Oh my gosh, the trap actually worked!”

Of course I almost break my neck sprinting down the stairs in order to see for myself. And guess what else? That bowl is filled with dead fruit flies. It was the most disgusting and most beautiful sight I’d seen in some time. “That is repulsive and I feel great about it!” I shout in victory.

And the moral of the story is: if you ever find your place of dwelling come down with a case of the F.F’s, follow the recipe stated above for guaranteed success.