Monday’s Meditation: On The Sweet Release Of Being Hated

June 6, 2016

peach-quote

My sister recently reminded me (though I could hardly ever forget) about the savage girl wars I experienced throughout elementary school.

From the end of third grade until the end of eighth, I was The Girls’ most hated girl. Never a bully or a meanie, myself, at first the collective hatred on the part of my female classmates was hurtful.

After all, I was just being myself. I was friends with all the boys and found their company to be wholly more enjoyable, not to mention drama-free. I was confident and care-free, something which I never intended to be or consciously cultivated, but Simply was the way I came.

That, I learned, were all the qualities one needed to be outcasted.

The girls, all friends, would spend recesses ruminating in tightly formed circles, writing nasty letters. They would enter the classroom, their voices immediately dropping to hushed tones, their gaze revealing a deep, seething resentment one doesn’t normally associate with a fourth grader.

We hate you because you’re shining too brightly. 

You can shine brightly, too, you know. 

We’re not sure we’re ready. So we’ll hate you instead for already knowing how.

Have it your way.

Thankfully, though, something wonderful happened very early on into the girl wars, which was that I stopped caring whatsoever.

There was truly nothing I had ever done to earn their disregard of me, other than not abide by the rules of Girl, apparently, which were fall into rank, be shy around boys, detract attention. And, judging by how much misery the hatred was causing them, I felt reassured that I would rather enjoy life from the outs than be granted access, anyhow. Over on my end, I was having fun, living in joy.

Looking back, I’m not sure how navigating a small classroom filled with girls who visibly despised me didn’t rattle me. Amazingly, it didn’t. I got used to it. I legitimately didn’t care. It was clear that nothing I could do would change their minds about me; to succeed in doing that I’d have had to change who I was, and I wasn’t about to do that. So they would hate me and that would be that.

You know? It’s a kind of power to not care what people think of you. I mean, if you aren’t doing anything wrong, if you aren’t acting disrespectfully or unkindly, if you are just being your authentic self, and people still hate you, well, why should you care?

Only, I think there’s something in teenager/young adult years that feeds you a fear–the fear of not being socially acceptable.

After college, I broke up with a really toxic, stifling person. It was clearly the right decision for me at the time. But the worry about what that person would think of me ever after, what their family would think, their friends, it haunted me for a while. I was a good person, after all! A sweet, pure-hearted person! (I’m good, I swear!) But now there would be a whole circle of people who considered me vile, bad, mean, disloyal. I hated that.

“I’m destroyed over it,” I told my dad. “I want to be a person who always leaves people feeling happier, better, healthier. And now there’s a whole group of people out there who I’ve left in the opposite state, and who think the absolute worst about me.”

Something you have to understand is that my dad is the most loving, tender man. He swims in the woo woo and he floats upon a raft of diplomacy, compassion, and healing. He believes in speaking directly, in making amends, in living up to one’s spirit-potential.

I can’t remember, then, many times in my biography the man has audibly scoffed at me, but that day was one of them. “Oh, please, Annie,” he said. His words rolling the eyes they didn’t have. “Welcome to adulthood. Welcome to reality. You can’t please everyone. You won’t walk away on good terms always. Get over it.”

It was just the jolt back to fourth grade I needed.

When you boil down the desire to be liked by all to its essence, where you end up is fear. The fear that the people who think badly of you will spread that impression to others. The fear that the opinions of others who hate you is, in fact, true, and that you are The Worst.

Except, when you really parse things out, whose opinion matters? Whose do you trust? And: how much power are you giving over to someone else to decide?

If the person who dislikes you is, as far as you can ascertain, unhealthy emotionally, unstable, and generally miserable in at least one way or another, why on earth are you bending over backwards to stay in their good graces? Why fear the mutual alienation on the part of those who have allegiance to that imbalanced individual?

It is not our job to try and manage people’s perceptions of us, but, instead, to manage ourselves. It is not fair to twist ourselves up into the twisted vantage point of another, but to extricate ourselves enough to try and see things clearly.

There is no unsoiled reputation, no number of in-tact bridges to make up for living freely and joyfully.

To believe that you might get through life with everyone thinking you are an angel from above is a delusion.

To consistently be your best self, and balance your needs with the feelings of others with as much tenderness as you can–and to release worry and fear beyond that–that’s the only way.

There is nothing that could make me go back and rewrite the script of grade school to include me in that tightly formed hostile bond of girls. Given the choice, I would choose to be myself, over and over again.

Sometimes it is in hostile waters that you learn who you are. Sometimes it is when you know you’ll be risking your perfect reputation, and walking away with someone in the world holding a flawed perception of you, and you feel compelled to do so anyhow, that you are most assured of being true to you.

Don’t you dare dim your light for anyone. Don’t even consider succumbing to the pressure others may place on you to shine less brightly.

Shine on.

And, if you can, teach others how to shine their brightest, too.

23 Comments

  1. Meliss on June 6, 2016 at 5:41 am

    Love this so much.

    • Annie on June 6, 2016 at 8:28 am

      Thanks girl!

  2. Shannon on June 6, 2016 at 6:14 am

    It’s rare that I read something that resonates so strongly. This is a common sentiment – be yourself – but told with the consequences in mind, the consequences most people don’t ever get around to discussing, and is something I have been struggling with lately especially. Thanks for the reminder. Ultimately, this exact perspective (and similar experiences, I was also that 4th grader, I was also that ex-girlfriend hated by his friends and family, I also have a dad that gave almost that EXACT advice) is what has always given me my deepest sense of confidence and made me unself-conscious.

    Easy confidence in yourself, and particularly a lack of social anxiety, is not thinking ‘everyone loves me’ – it’s thinking ‘some people are going to hate me, and there is literally nothing I can do about it, so I’m just going to live life in a kind, moral way, be happy, and not worry about it.’ You have to be careful to balance that and not get too much into the whole ‘who cares what people think, you-do-you’ hedonism thing going around now – but you captured that perfectly.

    So, rambling aside – great post. 🙂 Also love your blog. I am a long-time reader and lurker, first-time poster. Keep up the good work helping me organize my apartment, thoughts, and life.

    • Annie on June 6, 2016 at 9:02 pm

      Yes!! You understood what I was hoping to express exactly! I love the way you articulated this. Also–thank you for distinguishing between this and the whole “you-do-you” bit. What IS it with that?! Blech.

      Thanks for adding your voice into the mix Shannon!! xoxo

  3. bev on June 6, 2016 at 6:53 am

    I want a Like button

    • Annie on June 6, 2016 at 9:03 pm

      I was JUST thinking the other day that I sort of wish blogs had those! (Or maybe they do? And then mine is behind the times and needs one?) Consider it pressed. and THANK you. 😉

  4. Lisa Powell on June 6, 2016 at 7:26 am

    Thanks, Annie! You could easily be a motivational speaker!
    Ha! Actually you ARE are a motivational speaker! Keep blogging!

    • Annie on June 6, 2016 at 9:04 pm

      Motivational blogger?? 😉

      Thanks for reading and chiming in lady! xoxox

  5. Terry on June 6, 2016 at 8:40 am

    Thank you for this. VERY encouraging words.

    • Annie on June 6, 2016 at 9:05 pm

      Thank YOU for reading and for the lovely comment!! xx

  6. Elaina on June 7, 2016 at 1:14 am

    How perfectly expressed and 100% true! I vote this the best article in your blog so far 🙂 And the comment written by fellow reader Shannon says it all!

    • Annie on June 7, 2016 at 7:13 pm

      That is some SERIOUSLY high praise. So glad to hear it resonated with you. And yes, didn’t Shannon hit the nail on the head??

      • Elaina on June 12, 2016 at 3:20 am

        <3

  7. sarah rodriguez on June 8, 2016 at 11:17 am

    I needed to hear this! And also my middle school self back in day needed it too! Have you considered free Lance writing? People of the world need to hear this!

    • Annie on June 8, 2016 at 8:07 pm

      Ha! Spread the word!!

  8. Jenseeme on June 9, 2016 at 4:55 am

    Love this! Shine On!

    • Annie on June 28, 2016 at 4:46 pm

      Thanks for the comment!!

  9. Cris on June 9, 2016 at 11:38 am

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this subject with such grace and poise.

    • Annie on June 28, 2016 at 4:46 pm

      Ah, what a beautifully eloquent (not to mention kind) sentiment. Thank you Cris!!

  10. Gayle Chestnut on June 13, 2016 at 9:44 pm

    Oh Annie, this is the best yet and something I’ve struggled with all my life until just recently. You see, I’m 80 years old and have been widowed three years. But you know, I got tired of worrying about what others would think and have begun dating. Yes, the word dating sounds like I’m back in high school but I joined a dating site for seniors and have met the most interesting and delightful men. I loved my husband with all my heart but when I began to think of what was best for me instead of what the neighbor thinks when I’m gone for the weekend, I felt myself blossom into a joyful, playful and sexy young-in-mind person living the life I want. And best of all, I don’t give a rat’s . . . what anyone thinks. I’m not hurting anyone and have great respect for the men I’ve met and the difficulty each of us have had in our lives living alone. And joining a man for coffee, lunch or dinner gives us both the pleasure we deserve. I am a Lady, know how to dress, behave and have a witty conversation with another intelligent person. And like you, I shine when conversing with men rather than women. In a very short time, I had two marriage proposals as well as cohabitat discussions. I am in a committed relationship now with a “young” 84 year old man and love riding with him on his motorcycle, ATV, boat, motorhome or his airplane. We are living for ourselves and have the blessing of our children and grandchildren. So keep up your good work by encouraging others, no matter the age. I love my life. Beats sitting in a rocking chair!

    • Annie on June 28, 2016 at 4:48 pm

      GO GAYLE GO!!!!!!!

      What a rockstar you are!!! I can’t think of any healthy, balanced person who could possibly find fault with your so fully living life–rather, I think anyone who encounters you or reads this will undoubtedly be in awe of, and completely inspired by, you. Screw that rocking chair!! xoxoxo

  11. […] right around the time I released the fear of being hated, I decided to develop the capacity for fearless directness in speech and words. I was on a mission, […]

  12. […] In fact, having accepted that their not being everyone’s favorite is inevitable, they get to feel blessedly free. […]

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23 Comments

  1. Meliss on June 6, 2016 at 5:41 am

    Love this so much.

    • Annie on June 6, 2016 at 8:28 am

      Thanks girl!

  2. Shannon on June 6, 2016 at 6:14 am

    It’s rare that I read something that resonates so strongly. This is a common sentiment – be yourself – but told with the consequences in mind, the consequences most people don’t ever get around to discussing, and is something I have been struggling with lately especially. Thanks for the reminder. Ultimately, this exact perspective (and similar experiences, I was also that 4th grader, I was also that ex-girlfriend hated by his friends and family, I also have a dad that gave almost that EXACT advice) is what has always given me my deepest sense of confidence and made me unself-conscious.

    Easy confidence in yourself, and particularly a lack of social anxiety, is not thinking ‘everyone loves me’ – it’s thinking ‘some people are going to hate me, and there is literally nothing I can do about it, so I’m just going to live life in a kind, moral way, be happy, and not worry about it.’ You have to be careful to balance that and not get too much into the whole ‘who cares what people think, you-do-you’ hedonism thing going around now – but you captured that perfectly.

    So, rambling aside – great post. 🙂 Also love your blog. I am a long-time reader and lurker, first-time poster. Keep up the good work helping me organize my apartment, thoughts, and life.

    • Annie on June 6, 2016 at 9:02 pm

      Yes!! You understood what I was hoping to express exactly! I love the way you articulated this. Also–thank you for distinguishing between this and the whole “you-do-you” bit. What IS it with that?! Blech.

      Thanks for adding your voice into the mix Shannon!! xoxo

  3. bev on June 6, 2016 at 6:53 am

    I want a Like button

    • Annie on June 6, 2016 at 9:03 pm

      I was JUST thinking the other day that I sort of wish blogs had those! (Or maybe they do? And then mine is behind the times and needs one?) Consider it pressed. and THANK you. 😉

  4. Lisa Powell on June 6, 2016 at 7:26 am

    Thanks, Annie! You could easily be a motivational speaker!
    Ha! Actually you ARE are a motivational speaker! Keep blogging!

    • Annie on June 6, 2016 at 9:04 pm

      Motivational blogger?? 😉

      Thanks for reading and chiming in lady! xoxox

  5. Terry on June 6, 2016 at 8:40 am

    Thank you for this. VERY encouraging words.

    • Annie on June 6, 2016 at 9:05 pm

      Thank YOU for reading and for the lovely comment!! xx

  6. Elaina on June 7, 2016 at 1:14 am

    How perfectly expressed and 100% true! I vote this the best article in your blog so far 🙂 And the comment written by fellow reader Shannon says it all!

    • Annie on June 7, 2016 at 7:13 pm

      That is some SERIOUSLY high praise. So glad to hear it resonated with you. And yes, didn’t Shannon hit the nail on the head??

      • Elaina on June 12, 2016 at 3:20 am

        <3

  7. sarah rodriguez on June 8, 2016 at 11:17 am

    I needed to hear this! And also my middle school self back in day needed it too! Have you considered free Lance writing? People of the world need to hear this!

    • Annie on June 8, 2016 at 8:07 pm

      Ha! Spread the word!!

  8. Jenseeme on June 9, 2016 at 4:55 am

    Love this! Shine On!

    • Annie on June 28, 2016 at 4:46 pm

      Thanks for the comment!!

  9. Cris on June 9, 2016 at 11:38 am

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this subject with such grace and poise.

    • Annie on June 28, 2016 at 4:46 pm

      Ah, what a beautifully eloquent (not to mention kind) sentiment. Thank you Cris!!

  10. Gayle Chestnut on June 13, 2016 at 9:44 pm

    Oh Annie, this is the best yet and something I’ve struggled with all my life until just recently. You see, I’m 80 years old and have been widowed three years. But you know, I got tired of worrying about what others would think and have begun dating. Yes, the word dating sounds like I’m back in high school but I joined a dating site for seniors and have met the most interesting and delightful men. I loved my husband with all my heart but when I began to think of what was best for me instead of what the neighbor thinks when I’m gone for the weekend, I felt myself blossom into a joyful, playful and sexy young-in-mind person living the life I want. And best of all, I don’t give a rat’s . . . what anyone thinks. I’m not hurting anyone and have great respect for the men I’ve met and the difficulty each of us have had in our lives living alone. And joining a man for coffee, lunch or dinner gives us both the pleasure we deserve. I am a Lady, know how to dress, behave and have a witty conversation with another intelligent person. And like you, I shine when conversing with men rather than women. In a very short time, I had two marriage proposals as well as cohabitat discussions. I am in a committed relationship now with a “young” 84 year old man and love riding with him on his motorcycle, ATV, boat, motorhome or his airplane. We are living for ourselves and have the blessing of our children and grandchildren. So keep up your good work by encouraging others, no matter the age. I love my life. Beats sitting in a rocking chair!

    • Annie on June 28, 2016 at 4:48 pm

      GO GAYLE GO!!!!!!!

      What a rockstar you are!!! I can’t think of any healthy, balanced person who could possibly find fault with your so fully living life–rather, I think anyone who encounters you or reads this will undoubtedly be in awe of, and completely inspired by, you. Screw that rocking chair!! xoxoxo

  11. […] right around the time I released the fear of being hated, I decided to develop the capacity for fearless directness in speech and words. I was on a mission, […]

  12. […] In fact, having accepted that their not being everyone’s favorite is inevitable, they get to feel blessedly free. […]

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