Last week I was working with a client on a closet editing project. It was a day of questions, explanations and decision-making about beautiful designer clothes, shoes and bags.

Towards the end of our session I opened a drawer, ready to deposit a stack of neatly folded, rainbow-ordered (naturally) tops inside. The drawer was to have been emptied, but before setting the shirts down I noticed something, way at the back. It looked a lot like a delayed decision if I’m honest. Or like a rag.

I’ve been doing this long enough to know that often what is most important to people is not immediately evident, nor is it what one might automatically assume to be the most significant. Values do not always announce themselves with bravado, but rather are revealed in time, through intimate conversations.

And so I held the scrap of fabric up, this thing that appeared worth-less, asked, “Is this important to you?”

Of course, it turned out that the “scrap” had in fact been a pocket square belonging to my client’s late father, whom she had lost years ago, and which was nearly the only physical item she owned to serve as a link to him.

Whereas her answers to the load of questions that proceeded this one had been willingly supplied, albeit a bit rote at times (Q: How do you feel about this dress? A: Ehh.) this one gushed forth. She was fully animated as she told me about her dad, about the wardrobe he used to sport. She caressed her cheek with the cloth, held it to her heart, and told me she thinks of her dad daily. She was utterly alive in that moment, fully present, and I was too, having gained new respect for an item that, without her explanation, I would have discounted.

It was sort of the cutest thing ever when, after having edited out of her closet an entire car’s worth (seriously) of fabrics and leather, she said she hoped we could make a space for this palm-sized suit accouterment.

I happened upon the most important thing in the knick of time.

All of it was yet another example to me of how people yearn to tell others about the things that matter to them–as a method of self-actualization and a mechanism of relationship. And, it was a reminder of how that subject can often feel cryptic for those on the questioning end to detect.

There is this sort of cycle that goes on: The subject at the forefront of your mind, the one you’re currently spending your days inspired or intrigued by–they won’t know it’s important to you unless they ask about it. But they can only ask if it’s on their radar. Which it may not be if you haven’t done an adequate job of illuminating them as to its significance. In any case, this can lead to resentment, feelings of hurt, and to greater distance in the relationship.

You, being a person of exceptional love, can be better on both ends–better to yourself by more readily supplying others with the information you actually care to relay, and better to others by being a more intuitive, enlightened listener.

You can confidently and assertively share with others your deeper thoughts and feelings. You won’t get hung up on waiting for others to arrive at the right questions. You accept as your responsibility the willingness to call attention to the subjects you deem worthy. You answer the questions you know the love in them cares to know, regardless of what their logical brains can put forth.

And you? Person of infinite goodness and eternal spirit? You can be patient with the ones you love. You open your mind to the possibility that something that appears to have little or no value to you is often what’s most treasured by someone else. You heed subtle hints, bow to casual musings, and listen for the words, “this matters to me.” You accept as your responsibility creating an opportunity for others to share their deeper thoughts and feelings.

You don’t default to standard questions like:

“How’s work?”

Or:

“What’s new?”

Instead, you ask things like:

“What’s feeling like the most important thing to you right now?”

“What are you most excited to talk about these days?”

“What one subject or question would I ask you about and listen to the response to most closely if I had all my wits about me/zero distractions/all the time in the world?

Tell me about that one thing.”

And you might add in there:

“I don’t care if it’s a pocket square or world peace; I’m all ears.”